For New School Leaders with Love
Long ago, before I became the head of a school in another part of the country where I knew no one, another head invited me for tea in her lovely office.
“What do you really want to know that you haven’t asked anyone yet?” Dorothy began.
“What do I do the very first day?” I knew how to be a teacher, a department chair, a member of the Ad Team, but I could not quite fathom how I might start as the headmistress of a brand-new school.
“Ahh,” she smiled. “You go to your office, and something will happen. The phone will ring or someone will ask to see you, and then, you will have started!” She smiled, full of reassurance, and twenty years later, a few weeks ago, I reminded her of that conversation.
“Was I right?” she grinned.
“One hundred percent!”
Now, rounding out my time as the leader of Laurel School, that school I have loved for twenty years, I am thinking about how to equip new leaders for their roles, many of which begin on July 1, when the students and faculty may not be in the building. It can be an odd and lonely time to start a new adventure.
“What will it be like?” you may wonder.
Last spring, when I was avoiding my long to-do list last spring, I emailed a number of colleague heads to ask what they wish new leaders knew as they started. Some of the advice has to do with moving to a brand new school; other bits will be relevant even if you are switching roles in your current school.
Over the next few weeks, I will distill the good ideas they offered and include some of my own thoughts, too.
First, the real currency in school is not enrollment or money or, even, time. It’s relationship. As you begin, so will you go. In your excitement to get to work, do not skate over the essential work of building relationships. When I moved from NYC to lead Laurel School in Shaker Heights, OH, I realized that I had gone from being a “known quantity” in my former school to being without the web of relationships that had sustained me for two decades—relationships with colleagues and kids and parents and other administrators and trustees and pals across Manhattan and Brooklyn. Of course, relationships formed over time wither only if left unattended; I feel fortunate that many of those relationships grew stronger and nurtured me when I felt tentative and alone. But the fact was that when I came to Laurel, I was younger—as the Head of School—than many on my leadership team. They had worked together for years, and I was very much the new kid. It felt odd to be “in charge” when the school was brand new, when I was brand new. I acted a confidence I did not always feel, learning as I went, grateful that my team was, bu and large, willing to be led by me.
Real relationships deepen over time, but even in your first weeks, you can take care to cultivate the relationships that will be at the center of your work.
The Human Touch
Make an effort to learn names fast—your colleagues, certainly, but also the folks in the kitchen and on the maintenance staff, the crossing guard. Your use of names signals you are paying attention and that you care.
Greet people by name in the halls.
Never be afraid to say, “I’m sorry—I’ve forgotten your name.” My mother was brilliant at this—and no one begrudged her—they wanted to help.
If you love Russian novels, you will relish the complexity of relationships in a school—who is connected to whom? Which donors have long ties to your school? Which teachers are much-loved? Is there anybody who isn’t?
While schools can be slow to reveal their secrets, listen to what is said and what is not said. You will quickly figure out the “sacred cows,” those traditions or customs that are inviolate—don’t be afraid to ask directly. Similarly, you may stumble across the proverbial “snakes in the Garden of Eden,” those tricky bits that may not have been evident during the search process. Everything is information.
Respect the dignity and worth of all people you manage.
People need to feel you value them–while it’s true we are all dispensable, no one wants to feel dispensable. Take an interest in those around you—their families, their pets, their interests.
Find ways to let your people know they and what they do for the school matter. A handwritten thank you, the occasional $5 Starbucks card, a small bouquet.
A great mantra to live by: make the implicit explicit. Lingo doesn’t always translate from one school to the next. Be sure you learn your new school’s vocabulary and terminology. And know that you will slip up and call your new school or a new colleague by the name of your old school or the name of a former colleague. Fix it and move on.
Be mindful of casual or off-the-cuff interactions with colleagues that could be misconstrued as favoritism or being harsh.
When my new headship was only a few weeks away, the head I then worked for tapped her index finger gently on my forehead. “Adjust your face,” she said. “If you emerge from your office scowling, the first person you pass in the corridor may think you are angry with her.” It was great advice; the weather in the head’s office can be stormy. Always take a deep breath and compose your features before you step into the hall.
Model self-care—do not come to school when you are sick. If you do, you communicate that that is your expectation of those you manage.
Apologize when you get something wrong.
Sometimes, we forget to say, “I’m sorry” because it’s an admission of wrongdoing, but you can always be sorry, you can always show empathy.
Show your vulnerability–it helps build trust–you are human, too, not an automaton, but do not ask employees to be your caretaker.
Take the work seriously, but never take yourself too seriously.
Trust your instincts. And remember how little you like being led by people who are arrogant, even if they are smart.
Be careful about “I” and “me” in your language. “We” is almost always a better choice. It’s never “your” school. We serve our schools, but they belong to the trustees, not to the school leaders. Go back and re-read the beginning of Sophocles’ Oedipus Rex. The guy has quite an ego on him—he cares about Thebes, but he is convinced HE is the answer. Never believe your own PR, bad or good. Humility matters.
Remember, not everyone will like every decision you make; chances are, plenty of people will not like any single decision. Figure out the people whose opinions matter most. Listen to them; consider test driving an idea on them, “What do you think about the idea of doing…” People like to be asked what they think.
On the other hand, people want leaders who are willing to make decisions. Gather input and then do something. It might be the wrong thing. If so, you will know and do a different thing, but limbo is fatiguing. If you are where the buck stops—as the Head or the Director of a Division or a Department, your job is to make the tough call—with grace and confidence—and the good sense to recognize if you are wrong.
First Conversations
In your first conversations with people, listen more than you speak. When I became a head, a pal told me to keep track of the first people who asked to see me; they always have an agenda. That pal was right. Commit to little as you start; you are listening to learn, not to weigh in on topics that may have complicated histories.
Here are a few other responses that have helped me.
Reflect back what you hear. Try: “This is what I’m hearing; does that sound right?”
When people are wrought up, ask, “What else?” or “Tell me more.” This buys you time to figure out what you want to say.
Sometimes, I’ve said, “Do you need to vent or do you want to solve the problem?
Ask “What do you love about our school?” or “What keeps you here?”
When a parent begins the conversation by saying, “This is not about playing time,” it is. Ditto to, “We don’t put any pressure on our child.” It’s likely that they do. Work to cultivate an interested face that doesn’t betray all you might be thinking.
If you are youthful and are challenged by a parent or colleague, remember this phrase, “In our experience…” When you invoke this phrase, you bring the school’s whole history to bear on the situation…and it’s a subtle way to put people back in their boxes.
Remember professional boundaries–in terms of touch, personal space, etc.
When a faculty or staff person talks to you about another manager or employee, set a boundary–ask, “Have you talked with your own supervisor about this?” Or “I don’t feel comfortable having this conversation about a colleague with you; perhaps this would be a better conversation to have with a member of our HR team.”
When identifying problems, also work to identify possible solutions–encourage those you supervise to do the same.
Always give more credit than you take–it’s more important for the whole enterprise to flourish than for you to have the best idea.
Let go of the past; allow your colleagues to evolve. You want people to give you the benefit of the doubt—model doing the same. Form your own opinion of those with whom you work—there is no room for grudges at school.
Don’t be above the work your employees do. Everyone has their jobs, but good will goes a long way when an employee knows you are willing to jump in. None of us is too fancy to move tables.
Consider going to someone else’s office for a meeting rather than always asking people come to you. Or, better yet, think about having a “walking” meeting—it’s good to move!
Keep your sense of humor close at hand.
That’s a lot to take in. I’m hoping much of what I write is already filed in your head under “the common sense God gave a chicken.” But sometimes reminders of what we know help us—particularly when the stakes feel high and you don’t yet even know where the lightswitches are in your new school.
Perhaps you take a look at this long list from time to time. Nod your head at those points you know you do routinely. Think a little bit about those that feel less intuitive. Be gentle with yourself. I am a better, calmer headmistress now than I was in 2004. I’m also grayer and my children are grown, but I wouldn’t have traded many minutes of the last two decades.
When I became a head, Millie Berendsen, the headmistress I had worked for as a young woman in NYC and the person who encouraged me to consider headship, gave me a card titled Consider—it was a list of great advice in her inimitable calligraphy. She gave such a card to the many of us who became heads after we had worked for her. I keep her notecard pinned to the bulletin board behind my desk as a reminder that none of us lead without help. Your mentors and friends want you to succeed. Never forget to reach out when you need a reality check or reassurance. A wonderful thing about schools is that we are never wholly alone; there are thought partners everywhere!
Stay tuned next week for some thoughts on Navigating Cultural Norms, Meeting Do’s and Don’t and Snakepits!
